What’s Your Attachment Style? How It Shapes Your Relationships—and How to Heal

Understanding how you connect, communicate, and create closeness can change everything. 

Have you ever wondered why you react the way you do in close relationships? Have you ever found yourself pulling away just when things start to feel close? Or needing constant reassurance even when everything seems fine? Why you might crave reassurance, fear rejection, or avoid getting too close? The way we form emotional bonds with others—especially in romantic relationships—is often rooted in something called attachment styles.

Understanding your attachment style can be life changing. It gives you insight into why you feel what you feel, how you relate to others, and how you can grow into a more secure, connected version of yourself.

What Is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, explains how early relationships with caregivers create lifelong patterns in how we relate to others as adults. These patterns, known as attachment styles, shape how we bond, express needs, and respond to closeness. 

These patterns aren’t fixed, but they do create a blueprint for how we experience closeness, trust, and emotional safety. They aren't flaws—they're adaptations our brains developed to feel safe. And the good news? They can change.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

There are four commonly-recognized attachment styles.

1. Secure Attachment

Core Beliefs: “I am lovable. Others are trustworthy.”

In Relationships:

• Comfortable with closeness and independence

• Communicates clearly - able to express needs and emotions openly

• Trusts easily and gives space when needed

• Good at giving and receiving support

  
  

Communication Style:  Open, direct, listens with empathy, and able to express needs clearly.

What this looks like:  Jordan notices their partner is distant and says, “You seem off today—want to talk about it?” They’re calm and curious, not reactive or jumping to conclusions.

Coping Strategies:

• Stay grounded during conflict without avoiding it

• Maintain emotional regulation with self-care practices like rest, mindfulness, and connection

• Set and maintain healthy boundaries

2. Anxious Attachment (Preoccupied)

Core Beliefs:  “I need others in order to feel okay, but they might leave me.”

In Relationships:

• Craves closeness and constant reassurance

• Seeks reassurance and fears rejection or abandonment

• May feel insecure or “too much”

• Sensitive to partner’s moods and preoccupied with their partner’s actions

• May overthink or over-analyze partner’s words or behavior

Communication Style: Often indirect or overly intense, over-explains, people pleasing, seeks reassurance, and sensitive to tone or delay in response.

What this looks like: Alex texts their partner and doesn’t get a reply for a few hours. They spiral into worry: “Are they mad at me? Are they losing interest?” Even though everything is likely fine, their nervous system sounds the alarm.

Coping Strategies:

• Use self-soothing techniques like journaling and deep breathing

• Build self-worth outside of relationships through affirmations (ex. “I can tolerate discomfort. I am safe),” and independent accomplishments

• Challenge black-and-white and all-or-nothing thinking in relationships

• Challenge catastrophic thoughts (e.g., “They didn’t text back = they don’t love me”)

• Communicate needs clearly, without shame or guilt

3. Avoidant Attachment (Dismissive)

Core Beliefs: “I can only rely on myself. Needing others is unsafe.”

In Relationships:

• Values independence over closeness or intimacy

• Struggles with vulnerability or emotional expression

• May feel smothered by emotional closeness

• May pull away when relationships get too intimate

• May seem distant or uninterested - even when they care deeply

Communication Style: Logical rather than emotional, reserved, may shut down during conflict, may dismiss or downplay conflict, and often uncomfortable expressing needs.

What this looks like: Taylor starts to feel really close to someone they're dating. Instead of leaning in, they start to ghost texts or create emotional distance. Intimacy feels suffocating, even though part of them wants connection.

Coping Strategies:

• Reflect on emotional experiences before withdrawing (e.g. ask yourself what you’re protecting)

• Gradually practice vulnerability in small steps (e.g. “I missed you today.”)

• Reframe dependence as a healthy part of intimacy—not a weakness, suffocation, or loss of control

• Stay present in discomfort, don’t escape

• Practice tolerating emotional vulnerability in safe relationships

4. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment (Disorganized)

Core Beliefs: “I want connection, but people hurt me.”

In Relationships:

• Craves closeness but fears betrayal or rejection

• Often feels torn: too close is scary, too distant is painful

• May push people away and then feel abandoned

• May have a history of trauma or inconsistent caregiving

Communication Style: Inconsistent, may push and pull in relationships, may struggle to ask for help or set boundaries, and difficulty trusting even in safe relationships.

What this looks like: Morgan gets into a heated argument with their partner. They lash out, then withdraw completely—terrified they’ll be left, but unsure how to feel safe or soothed.

Coping Strategies:

• Work with a trauma-informed therapist

• Practice grounding and nervous system regulation (i.e. body scans, cold water, breathwork)

• Learn to name emotions and tolerate discomfort in connection

• Slowly practice trust-building with safe people, at your own pace

• Identify your triggers and build emotional regulation tools

Where Do Attachment Styles Come From?

Attachment styles usually develop in childhood, based on how caregivers responded to your needs:

• Secure: Caregivers were responsive, consistent, and nurturing.

• Anxious: Caregivers were inconsistent—sometimes loving, sometimes unavailable.

• Avoidant: Caregivers were emotionally distant or discouraged dependency.

• Fearful-Avoidant: Caregivers were frightening, neglectful, or abusive.

But it’s not all about your past. Life experiences (like trauma or healthy relationships in adulthood) can also shape or shift your attachment style over time. The good news is that attachment patterns are not set in stone. With self-awareness, therapy, inner child healing, and intentional relationships that model secure behavior, you can move toward what’s called earned secure attachment—even if that wasn’t your early experience.

How Attachment Styles Affect Relationships & Communication

Scenario	Anxious	Avoidant	Fearful-Avoidant	Secure
Partner pulls away	Seeks constant reassurance	Withdraws or detaches	Panics, then withdraws	Asks calmly, stays present
Conflict arises	Fears abandonment, over-apologizes	Avoids it entirely	May explode or shut down	Engages, seeks repair
Expressing needs	Hesitant or over-explains	Downplays or hides needs	Feels conflicted, ashamed	States needs clearly

Additional Coping Tools for All Attachment Styles

• Daily emotional check-ins: “What am I feeling? What do I need?”

• Body-based tools: grounding exercises, movement, breathing

• Boundary setting practice

• "Name it to tame it"—labeling emotions to reduce overwhelm

• Learn to repair after conflict—every rupture is a chance for deeper trust

Key Takeaway

You’re not broken—you’re human. Attachment styles don’t define you—but they do help explain your patterns. The goal isn’t to label yourself or others, but to understand what you need in relationships and how to build deeper emotional safety.

Attachment styles are not destiny—they're learned patterns. And anything learned can be unlearned, healed, and reshaped. With support, curiosity, and time, you can create relationships that feel safe, connected, and whole. Whether you're navigating a relationship, healing from past wounds, or simply trying to understand yourself better, exploring your attachment style can be a powerful tool. You’re not alone. And there’s a way forward.

Find a Therapist at Insight & Action Therapy

Looking to understand and heal your attachment style? Therapy is a powerful space to explore these patterns, deepen your understanding, and learn how to feel safe in connection. If you’re ready to build more secure, nourishing relationships, the therapists at Insight & Action Therapy are here to help. Schedule a consultation today.